Crane Intergalactic Hero – The Voyage Of Ineptitude – Episode 2 ‘Getting Ready’

Crane had already parked Bloorps revelations that he could speak, see camouflage tape and glow. He was now inside his first ship and had moved on to working out what was needed to get the thing out into space as soon as possible. His crew trudged behind, still muttering about Bloorp spoiling their fun by revealing the ships door. As Crane and his less than merry men turned the next corner, they were greeted with a jet of steam spraying from a hole in the wall and water dripping from the ceiling. Fifty metres on there was another steam leak.

Crane sighed, a brand new ship with leaking pipes and ceilings. between this and the crew, it was hardly the salubrious start Crane had been hoping for. He waved his hand over the sensor to open the lift door. Then stood and stood, waved again, stood some more. Did anything work on this thing?

As was becoming the norm, his crew simply stood behind him and sniggered. This time though, the last laugh would be on him. Part of his training to become a pilot included extensive troubleshooting training. Over the last 3yrs he’d been been through every conceivable training manual in the Mark V Illustrious rocket ship series. He knew every screw, every button, every circuit board, every everything. If there was one advantage Crane did have over the crew, it was ‘he knew his ship’ …

As he stood and waved over and over again, the chortling from his crew grew louder.

Security technology had moved on to using brain, DNA, and even Telemere scanners were common place. However, this one worked by opening when something was waved in front of it. Crane smiled. Unbeknownst to the crew, he had the latest Apple I-scan. After the Patent Wars of the last century, Google had eventually bought up every company on Earth. When they eventually bought the Peoples Republic of China and closed down competitors suppliers, it forced a radical underground movement to emerge. Consisting mainly of ex Apple designers and geeks, they secretly continued to design and produce practical, technical objects of beauty.

A transparent wisp of nothingness, Crane slipped the I-Scan from his pocket and pointed it at the the door scanner. In 2 seconds the I-scan would tell him what was wrong and he’d fix it in a jiffy. Crane waited, 2 seconds, 3……. Fifteen seconds……..not a peep.

Crane was getting just a bit fullimicated at all this.

‘Try changing the settings on your scanner’ came a familiar voice from behind. The crew parted to let Bloorp through.

‘Sorry, what did you say Bloorp?’

‘If you change your settings to the Mark I VirginGalactic ship settings it will work’

‘But that’s an ancient ship version from years ago………this is the Mark V Illustrious model’ spluttered Crane.

‘I can assure you Mr Crane, my scanners tell me the ship has been made to look like the Mark V Illustrious model but most of the inside is definitely from an earlier design’

‘ it it can’t be…….they wouldn’t do that to me……surely not’

‘Sir, while I was under interrogation by your scientists, I studied many things and my data tells me that there have been nineteen Mark V Illustrious ships built……….and the number of your ship is………..’

‘Twenty…………. ‘

Crane sank to the floor. The Crew from Hell, a motley drabble of Vorisians and a ship made from something that would be appearing on the next episode of Antiques Roadshow. It also dawned on him he’d spent 3 years studying manuals every night for a different bloody ship, What had he done to deserve this. This was definitely the last straw. He’d go home to Shropshire, open a cafe and bake scones.

‘Mr Crane, I believe my friends and I can help’

Crane looked up.

‘how can you help me Bloorp? A minute ago you couldn’t even speak and now your telling me you can save me from this miserable mess.’

‘Yes Sir, let me introduce Alien Xarth”

Above the crews head a silver disc appeared. It shimmered, shimmied and just generally spun its way towards the now prostrate Crane. For the first time in a while Crane’s crew were silent as the luminous disc passed over them towards the lift door and their defeated Captain.

‘So, Bloorp, you’re telling me another one of your Vorisian mystery gang can dig us out of one of the worst cock-ups and one of the worst episodes of my short and miserable life. Ok silver disc of genius…show me how on earth a lump of metal can rescue us from this slide into the abyss’

………..Crane found himself sat in the pilots seat on the bridge staring at the control panel.

‘How did your Xarth thing do that?……….I mean one minute we’re struggling to open a lift door, next minute a glowing disc of nonsense appears, then, we’re here, on the bridge. It’s impossible’

‘Alien Xarth scanned your blueprint, processed it and simply reproduced it in another place. he is now working on upgrading your engines, as well as refilling the sandwiches in the three vending machines on floor 2’

Crane scanned the the bridge. It wasn’t quite the salubrious palace he’d envisaged. Instead of a modern brain controlled control system, he was staring at a joystick. Instead of a 3D mapper which showed the space around the ship in front of him with planets, asteroids, other ships, all in a 3 dimensional image, the bridge actually had a window. Someone at the Space Academy had well and truly stitched him up. In this heap of junk, he had no chance of catching the other 19 ships and probably little chance of actually surviving the expedition. Baking scones in Shropshire whilst watching Earths Got Talent still looked like the better option.

‘Tell me Bloorp, how come our scientists tested you for 5 years and came to the conclusion, you and your little friends couldn’t speak, were as thick as bricks and had no visible useful skills whatsoever?’

‘We wanted to learn as much about your human species as possible, so, when your scientists got bored with us, they left us in a room with access to GoogleNet ยฉ We spent the time learning how make pasta, repair doors, speak French, the entire history of your Earth, which incidently, made us laugh so much, and, most usefully, how to upgrade a Mark 1 Illustrious ship into a Mk V version…………..oh, and, if we had shown them what we could do, they would have kept us here, prodded and poked us some more, and we would never have had the chance to return to our home on Voris…….’

‘But……Bloorp…..we’re not going to Voris, my mission is to meet up with the other ships, search the Trread galaxy for new life……oh and Xerium…….ore, precious gems, loads of gold etcetera, etcetera, blah de blah’

‘Mr Crane, we will help you with your mission, once we have achieved this, you will take us back to Voris’

Crane laughed. In this old rustbucket they’d be lucky if they managed to get out of the solar system, never mind, reach Trread, discover some weird things, then provide a taxi service for Bloorp and his friends.

‘I have a message from Alien Xarth, Mr Crane, he has completed the upgrade of your ships engines and he’s refilled the sandwich vending machines on floor 2. He is now making lemon jelly and ice cream for Exar, RedUrzuBird and your crew’

‘Impossible, how could he have possibly improved the engines in such a short time, with no equipment, no Xerium, no help, no beer, no nothing’

‘Mr Crane, first of all, Alien Xarth is not a he. She…….is able to transform matter into different elements and make lemon jelly with ice cream’

‘Bloorp, you look strange, you act strange and your silver disc friend is even more bonkers than you are. No one can turn an old solid state hydrogen engine into a fully fledged modern Xerium system in the space of 23 minutes, never mind fill a vending machine with sandwiches and make lemon jelly……’

‘…….and ice cream, Mr Crane, don’t forget the ice cream…….’

Just then the lift door opened and some of Cranes crew lurched onto the bridge munching sandwiches.

‘Where have you lot been, and, I told you before, no eating on the bridge!’

‘But these are the best sandwiches ever Captain Crane, and, as for the lemon jelly and ice cream, it was pucker beyond belief!……….that Alien Xarth, he’s amazing’

‘Look, first of all, Alien Xarth is not a he, she’s a she and we have less than 48hrs to attempt to get this bucket of bolts ready to kill us all…………oh sorry, I mean, catch up with the other ships, find some new aliens, fill the hold with gonga, drop Bloorp off and come home’

‘Another message from Alien Xarth, Mr Crane, she is now upgrading the hull, installing an anti matter force field, and producing a Vorisian Stew for Exar and RedUrzuBird’

‘ what can’t she do?’ stuttered Crane, who was now beginning to think they were either the best liars he’d ever met or his salvation.

‘She can’t play soccer Mr Crane, she’s very bad at soccer…….’

For the first time this day Crane laughed. He’d come to the conclusion that nothing else could go wrong, well, not for at least five minutes anyway………..โ˜บ๏ธ

Bloorp stood staring out of the window. The blue skies of Earth were very beautiful and the fluffy white clouds made his magniviewer* ยฉ ๐Ÿ˜Š cloud up. Despite this, returning to Voris would be special. He was lonely without his friends and family. Landing on his home planet would be a special day for both him and the others. As he turned away from the window, he stopped suddenly. Bloorp futuresensor* ยฉ ๐Ÿ˜ was rippling his magniviewer. Something was not right. Bloorp couldn’t quite make it out but he could see a dark object, fire and debris. It was far away but whatever it was, it was not good. Maybe this journey would not be as much fun as he had originally thought……..
Magniviewer ยฉ Bloorp’s magniviewer enable him to show information, pictures and events within a pool of Selum, an energy liquid, which made up his ‘head’.
Futuresensor ยฉ Unbeknown to Crane, within the magniviewer, Bloorp could show future events and things that were happening within a distance of 3 light years.

Crane Intergalactic Hero – The Voyage of Ineptitude – Episode 2 ‘Getting Ready’ was brought to you by @qosfc1919 and Dodo Productions 2014 ยฉ


Crane Intergalactic Hero – The Voyage of Ineptitude. Episode 1 ‘Bloorp and the Camouflage Door’

Crane stood on one side of his new ship. Which was a good job, as there was a 1000 foot drop on the other side. He smiled. He’d finally made it. He’d finally become a Science Research spaceship pilot. To ‘boldly go’ and all that. He would prove the doubters wrong. Those that thought he wasn’t good enough, not strong enough, not quite the full shilling, with a brain whose lift didn’t go all the way to the top floor. He took one more look, drank it all in, and stepped forward towards the airlock door and pressed the button……..

Only, the button didn’t work. He pressed it again. Nothing moved. He stared at the button. It didn’t seem real, as if someone had……..and then he heard the sniggering from behind. He spun round to find his crew, some bent double, stifling bags of laughter in their socks and bellies. He turned back to the ‘door’. It took a few seconds, a few touches and a couple of licks of fingers, before it dawned on him. The sods had drawn a full size replica of the airlock door on the side of the ship and covered up the real door with camouflage tape*.

*camouflage tape – a chameleonesque material, made from graphene, dosed with heavy Xerium*, capable of changing colour and shape to match its surroundings.

*Xerium – one of the first ‘superelements’ first found on the planet Voris, one of the first inhabited planets found during Earths early voyages into deep space.

Crane had realised early on that there were people who wanted him to fail, and, as a result, they’d given him, what looked like on grapheneplus* ยฉ ๐Ÿ˜Ž, the worst crew of reprobates ever assembled. He would prove them wrong and transform the idiots they’d given him into the best space crew ever, even if it drove him to spend all his time on SpaceTwitter.

‘Ha ha, very funny, good jibe, never saw it coming…..get it, never saw….it …coming….oh never mind’

More sniggers……..

* GraphenePlus – GraphenePlus had been discovered in the early 21st century. Thin, flexible and tough, it and it’s variants now had many uses, including flexible display screens, and the Google Eye

‘Ok. Enough. If someone could show me where the real door is and we can get this show on the road. We’ve got less than 48hrs to get this ship ready to launch and I need you lot to start behaving like adults……’

Even more sniggers……

Behind the still chortling crew from hell, a door slid open. Three more members of his new crew walked out onto the loading bay. With twenty ships leaving Earth, all with the same mission, there had been a mad rush to choose a crew. However, by the time Crane had received his email, he discovered all the other ship pilots had long since had theirs, leaving Crane with no choice but to take what was left.

So, what stood in front of him was the planet Voris’s leftovers. The other pilots had obviously chosen all human crews leaving Crane, with Bloorp, Exar and Trest, three of the planet Voris’s indigenous species, who’d been brought back to Earth, because they were the only ones scientists had been unable to work out what on earth they could do. Five years on, their skills and purpose were still a mystery. Crane had been well and truly stitched up. Here he was, on what should have been the pinnacle of his scientific career, exploring the far flung corners of the galaxy to better humankind, with a human crew of childish pranksters and the planet Voris”s most useless aliens. Crane groaned, sighed, shrugged, sighed some more and then, broke wind. He was about to turn round, admit defeat, call the whole thing off, tell the crew to go home, when Bloorp said……

‘It’s over there….’

Crane turned around…….Bloorp was a Bloorper from Voris. Squat, always looking as if he was wearing a lifebelt under his uniform, and, with what could only be described as a large magnifying glass for a head, he had apparently never spoken a word in all the 5 years scientists had studied him……….

‘What did you say?’

‘The door…’s over there’ …..pointing his little fat finger at the ship.

‘Show me’ said Crane, still shocked at hearing Bloorp speak, wondering whether he was as daft as the rest of the crew.

Bloorp, waddled over to the ship, and held out his hand. Suddenly a tiny ball of light floated from Bloorp’s finger*, towards the hull. Crane watched as the camouflage tape, appeared, glowing, before becoming transparent, revealing the entrance to the ship.

* Bloorp had, what appeard to be, only one finger on each hand, which had been slightly misconstrued on several occasions, leading to minor altercations with members of staff and the public

‘Oh Bloorp, they told me you were the most useless alien the planet Voris has ever seen…..well….apart from your two friends…….but that was genius’

For the first time in a while, the crew had stopped laughing, mesmerised at what Bloorp had just done. They muttered, staring at Bloorp as they trudged past him, through the now open hatch, into the ship.

Once Crane and the crew had disappeared through the doorway, Bloorp turned towards Exar and Trest, revealing his real face on his magnifier, started to glow, shot thirty foot in the air, pirouetted and landed next to his Vorisian friends.

Bloorps magnifier changed colour and some weird shapes appeared, floating in space in Bloorps ‘head’.

Exar and Trest smiled. Bloorps hieroglyphics simply said…

‘This is going to be fun……..’ โ˜บ๏ธ

Crane Intergalactic Hero – The Voyage of Ineptitude. Episode 1 ‘Bloorp and the Camouflage Door’ was brought to you by @qosfc1919 and Dodo Productions ยฉ 2014