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Pictures – A Wren

Everyone has a talent. I always emphasise one person can be great at something whilst another can be great at something completely different. Learning and understanding what a persons talents are key to good management. I am not an artist but, If I concentrate and practice, I can draw. No person should limit themselves to what they think they can do……

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Pictures – Hummingbirds

We have some great little birds in the UK. I love Robins, Pied Wagtails, Blue Tits, our Housemartins who arrive in May and depart in September. In other countries though they benefit from birds who’s colour’s are amazing. hummingbirds are one of these. Just amazing. I decided to try and draw one. 

Pictures

While I work on the next episode of The 100 Runes of Mystor and The Scotsmonauts, I thought I’d share another one of my lack of talents, drawing. I can’t really draw at all but I’ve got all the drawing gear you can shake a stick at. Pastel pencils, Prismacolor pencils, watercolor markers, watercolor pencils, acrylics and oils, I’ve got the lot. However, one thing lacking is talent. When I see what some artists can do I just shrink into a dark alley and hide. Anyway, you can’t be good at everything so…….. here’s Maisie. I drew her using a pigma micron 0.25mm pen. We lost our first cat Spike suddenly, which caused great angst as she’d been our little princess for 9 years. We put off replacing her as she was unique. However, we eventually relented and brought Maisie from the Cat Protection League, to our home. It’s taken a while but she’s settling in well. 

The Runes of Mystor

      Delsus stretched out his finger and touched the orb. In doing so he destroyed the world of Mystor, and, as a consequence, ruined the story I was going to tell you, ‘The 100 Runes of Mystor’. In stretching out his spindly grey stick like appendage, he messed up my chance to tell you about the 100 Runeholders who held together the fabric of Mystor. Chosen apparently at random by unknown method. The Runeholders brought order across the solar system. Where there was chaos they brought order, intelligence where there was stupidity, valor where there was cowardice, strength where there was weakness.
      Delsus’s antics make it seem churlish to tell the valiant stories of courage which had shaped Mystor until this moment, when a planets history and a trillion stories disappeared in an ironically beautiful blue flash of light. 

Map of North Mystor

Map of North Mystor

 Stories about great characters such as Belthra the Fisherman, who once caught a thousand fish in one afternoon, but, was really famed for defending the village of Senna against all odds for 3 days, using his great skill of confusion and trickery, sometimes tricking and confusing even himself. Or Rith, who, up until five minutes ago when Delsus touched the orb, had been the greatest Runeholder of all time. A brave genius who lived to look after the people, not himself, who’d travelled far, and sometimes wide to solve mysteries, battle enemies and fix sticking hinges on doors. 
 It hardly seems worth putting fingers to plastic squares, to tell you about the Valley of Rune and the Golden Sea of Tela, where Bacculus Fish floated like huge bloated airships in their migratory passage across Tela to their mating grounds. The Runeholders would gather here once a year or during times of stress to debate, drink, and save the world from danger. Only six months past on Mystor’s equivalent of a Wednesday, they’d met to discuss the increasing number of Runeholders who had been mysteriously killed or had disappeared in the previous 12 months. Although Runeholders lived longer than the other residents of Mystor, they were not immortal.   

 When a Runeholder ‘passed’, another resident of Mystor would wake on the morning after the full moons, to find he or she had been ‘chosen’. There was no letter, email or golden light at the bottom of the bed, but, the person chosen knew they were now somehow different and would now follow a great path from that moment on. Relatives, on finding one of their brethren had been given ‘the Gift’, would celebrate for three days, drinking copious amounts, after which the new Runeholder would travel to the Valley of Rune to learn their gift, and be doused in the Golden Sea of Tela, which served no purpose except to continue the old dictum of ‘well, that’s what we’ve always done………so…’
 So, there’s probably no point in telling you Mystor consisted of several different Ikar. Some were humanlike in their appearance, some were so scary looking. If sofas were something the Ikar of Mystor had, they’d have hid behind them. All Runeholders were chosen from each Ikar apart from one. Every story has to have an evil Ikar and the Dakar were just such an entity. Luckily, despite being the main reason for blood, death and gore over the centuries, the, possibly worth describing as ‘evil’ Dakar, kept themselves to themselves, except during the period of Mosun when they became idiots again, killing, pillaging and planting flags.
 Thinking about it, despite Delsus ruining the whole story for all of us, it is probably is worth summarising how we ended up at this end game. Let’s start with Eltra and Tarsum ( I would have used Bert and Angie as names but it just didn’t sound right ☺️) Eltra of the Talek Ilka had become Istar in the third premium of the Age of Haren ( i have no clue what that means but i’ve gone all Tolkien because i love him ☺️) They stood in the main Treehouse in Achar, a little village north of Eydehavn.
 ‘I feel a darkness around us Tarsum’
 ‘I have another candle…..just give me a second’
 ‘No……no……you know what i mean………a ‘darkness’ is among us on Mystor and the planets within our system’
 ‘I have more candles if that’ll help’
 ‘You’re such a buffoon Tarsum. I’m being serious. Something is not right. I can feel it. A twelvth sense* , a notion, a feeling, a sensation, a consciousness………a darkness is within us’
 * the inhabitants of Mystor had soon realised that having a sixth sense wasn’t quite the resolution they required. 
 ‘that’s a bit stereotypical is it not. History has many descriptions of many ‘darknesses’ coming upon us, which turned out to be generally just village arguments about Ikar robbing grobeks from other Ikar’
 ‘I know i love you Tarsum but you’re so stupid sometimes. Something is not right. Something is wrong. I know it’
 The next day Eltra discovered Boll of the Hark Ilya was found murdered…………….
 ‘We must herald a meeting of the Consternium. Immediately’
 ‘But, Eltra, this has not happened in two Ages’
 ‘I do not care how long it is. Boll is the fourth Runeholder to die or disappear in the space of six months. We are close to the time when i will step down and someone new will take over. Only one Runeholder has passed in all the time I have been Istar. Now we have four in six Ters. This is unprecedented…………………’

 ……………..on a planet far away
 ‘Once the Runeholders and their stupid planet is out of the way, we will take the other planets in the system, 🌎 kill the primitive inhabitants and take over the whole system.
 ‘Krystar, there is still hope we can retrieve the situation on our planet. Worst case we have another thousand years before we need to leave’
 ‘We cannot wait. We have the means to travel to the other planets. The only barrier to a new life for our desperate people are the Runeholders. If we stay here, whether it be a thousand years or ten thousand years, we and our people will die. Let’s make sure we ensure our contact on Mystor carries out his instructions………..’
 Delsus had been promised riches beyond his wildest dreams to destroy his home planet, with the promise of solitude and wealth on Meros, the 5th planet of the system. He would live out his days in peace, solitude and wealth. A price he was willing to pay for the loss of his family, friends, his species. He touched the orb……….. but…………nothing happened………….he touched the orb again………… again….Mystor did not explode into stardust………he hit it twice more……..
 ‘Keros’s mind sat in a pool of concentration. If he lost concentration for one second Mystor would be gone…..sweat dripped not only from his forehead, his armpits but several other orifices…..he had to prevent the explosion…….only he could hold it off ….until Rith arrived………’

Episode 1 β€˜The Runes of Mystor ’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dodo Productions Β© 2016 you can follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919

On The Street

thehistorytwins

OnTheStreet

I made this comic after reading this blog post by Wings Over Scotland about the bias and clear manipulation by the BBC during its BBCQT in Dundee. And before anyone gets upset or offended that I am using tired stereotypes, it was not my intention to demean anyone. I used a Native American simply because that is about as Dundonian as the people on the show. It’s a form of hyperbole. FT πŸ˜›

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Dave’s Week -‘Ramon’Β 

           In a world that’s definitely lost the plot at the moment, I like to immerse myself in things that make me laugh, or go ”Woooh’. Going ‘Wooooh’ in a public place can raise a few eyebrows, especially my local library, but who cares, life’s too lacking in ‘Woooh’s’ πŸ™‚

           My first subject this week was the news that a Google driverless car was stopped in the USA for ‘going to slow’. Now, in America where even the speed limit for the Indianapolis 500 is 55mph, going too slow takes some doing. The policemans face when he sidled up to the car, tapped on the window, and said ‘Right, out of the car Sterling’ only to find a Google test driver asleep in the back (I exaggerate πŸ™ƒ ), must have been a picture. It reminded me of this……πŸ˜‚


“Google’s 23 self-driving cars have been involved in 14 minor traffic accidents on public roads,but Google maintains that in all cases the vehicle itself was not at fault because the cars were either being manually driven or the driver of another vehicle was at fault” 
              So, Google would have us believe that ALL the accidents involving the ‘driverless’ car were either because there was a human driver (what’s the point of that Googsy Baby? πŸ€” ) or another driver didn’t see a white bubble car with a large knob on the top coming hurtling along at 25mph! Yeah right πŸ™„

 

 
                  

                   Now, I’m not a scaredy cat, but would you get in a car where the ‘driver’ had had 14 accidents during their driving career, and had no memory of them whatsover. 😬 Even better, the latest version of the car comes with no brakes or steering wheel. Given how often my Android apps crash, the odds on me sitting in a robotic car with no brakes are shortening by the second. I mean, if you’re going to be spending the entire journey crapping yourself in the back seat, I can’t see many volunteers. Especially when, at 25mph, the trip to Glasgow up the M74 will take most of November. ☺️

                    Google also stated the latest prototype had “not been tested in heavy rain or snow due to safety concerns”. 

                    Wait……news coming in that pre-orders sales in Scotland have just plummeted. πŸ€”

  
                     

                  Apparently the cars rely on a combination of Google street view, google maps and sheer luck to get you home. The old Android computer cannot ‘obey temporary traffic lights’. It also has difficulty identifying when objects, such as trash and light debris, are harmless, causing the vehicle to veer unnecessarily. Additionally, the radar technology cannot spot potholes, nor discern when humans, such as a police officer, are signaling the car to stop.

 I can imagine a nice blue one happening by Celtic Park after a game as 50,000 Celtic fans spill on to the streets……..
                

 ‘Go go go ya stupid thing…….’ 

                 ‘I’m sorry. I did not understand that last command. This vehicle is currently either surrounded by humans, green and white potholes or a policeman’

                 Those of us who use Siri on the iphone, and fans of the comedy Burnistoun,  will already know the problems with American software trying to understand a Scots accent………….. πŸ˜‚.    

 I bet you’ve got the cheque book out already……

                 The notion of the British bumbling eccentric buffoon has been around for years. Many comedy films and tv series have placed a publicly educated stereotype in a starring role. Which neatly brings me to Boris Johnson…………this week the bungling eccentric MP, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (yes, that’s his real name πŸ™„ ) sparked outrage after mocking UK supporters of a trade boycott against Israel as ‘corduroy-jacketed, snaggletoothed, lefty academics’. This was just before he was due to spend five days touring Palestine. πŸ€” Not surprisingly, it wasn’t long before the Palestinians were on the blower telling our master of diplomacy…… ‘not to bother coming’
 

Boris forgets his shorts πŸ™‚

 

              It wouldn’t be so bad but it’s only a month ago he did this while playing non contact rugby with some little Japanese kids….  

                         http://youtu.be/HuIfwY_jzz8

              ……..and here’s our intrepid Boris ‘promoting Britain’ on a zipwire ☺️

                          http://youtu.be/oxDwxNcURTU

              ……… or the time he ‘helped’ volunteers clear a stream….. πŸ€”

                          http://youtu.be/6H3ytL0lh0U

              I’m beginning to think the voters of Uxbridge are the same ones that vote to keep the two left footed dancer in Strictly………… ☺️

              If you follow my Twitter account (stop laughing 😑 ) you’ll know one of my hashtags is #ScientistsHaveComeOan  – well, this week Scientists have come on tae warn of the issues of eating too many Skittles or Smarties……..

                

 

They’ve also come oan tae warn women who drink too much Prosecco of a night out can end up struggling to find the way home……..

  

and lastly, in the week that Michael Flately confirmed he puts paint on his feet, dances on a canvas and sells his pictures for hundreds of thousands of pounds….others are starting to get in on the act…..

  

I hope, with all the bad news, I’ve put a smile on your face. Keep laughing. It’s good for you πŸ˜„

Dave’s Week – ‘Ramon’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dodo Productions Β© 2015 You can follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919 or email me at davidlinden4@gmail.com πŸ€—πŸ™ƒπŸ€”πŸ˜€

Dave’s Week – Ne pas parler franΓ§ais

Unless you’re Justin Bieber or one of those Billionaires Eamon Holmes and wotsername have been staning gawpy-eyed at on the telly over the last couple of weeks……..

‘Wow…….WOW……WOW!!’ 

Have some pride Eamon, it’s only a diamond encrusted 200 feet yacht πŸ™‚ 

………. the rest of us will spend the week doing mere mortal things such as ‘shopping at Tescos’, ‘planting Spring bulbs’and ‘watching documentaries about Eamon Holmes gawping at Billionaires’ 😊

To fill in the gaps between the heady excitement of my life, I’ve been  sifting through all the bad news to hunt for quaint or funny stories for you on the net. If you look far enough there’s always a titter to be had somewhere.

My first port of call this week, was the Aston villa dressing room (yes, another football story πŸ™„ ). For some strange reason Villa have been struggling at the wrong end of the Premiership table for some time. i think it’s something to do with not scoring as many goals as the opposition, and, having a defence that should be called VillaLeaks. In an unusual twist for struggling Premiership teams, despite having done this several times before with no improvement, they decided to sack their manager, Tim Sherwood.

          Hail the new saviour, Remi Garde. The 49yr old Frenchman won the French equivalent of the FA Cup and the French SuperCup with Lyon. He might actually be quite good. πŸ™‚

So, Remi comes in to the Villa dressing room and discovers, horror upon horror, that a chunk of his squad are…….wait for it……..FRENCH! ‘Zut Alors Que’st que se?’ Another unbelievable surprise clever Remi found, was the French quarter were speaking………now……I hope you’re sitting down……..FRENCH! Yes, they were actually speaking French to each other, despite all coming from France. The bold Remi decided the rest of the squad could not understand a word they were saying. This was obviously the reason Villa were bottom of the league. I mean, you can imagine the mayhem out on the pitch……..

‘Johnee, Johnee…..le ballon…….a moi…..’

‘Eh?’

‘Passeett Johnee……passeet’

‘Eh?’

All this confusion, by which time, Watford have run up the pitch and scored. 

So, what does the bold Remi do?. He bans them from speaking French. 

  

How he told his French proteges the bad news is unknown. Perhaps he ran two closed fingers across his pursed french lips, motivating his players to ‘zipit.com’. However, apparently their english isn’t that hot, so….wind on to next weekend…..

‘Johnee………’

‘Eh?’

‘Joh…nee’

‘Eh? Dunno wot u want mate’

Biggo Improvemento πŸ™‚

Anyway, it reminded me of an obvious solution to Remi’s problem…………

http://youtu.be/SXdrOgA7ATU

So who are Villa playing this Sunday……..Zut Alors…….it’s…..ehm………Manchester City.

News also emerged that swinging Austerity cuts are having a major effect on our Police Forces around the country. Devon and Cornwall Police Force have announced ‘they will no longer investigate restaurant diners who failed to pay for their meal, unless……wait for it…..there are signs of criminality’. Now. What are ‘signs of criminality’ ? Does this include wearing a mask and carrying a bag with SWAG written on it, or after munching a 3 course meal with wine, coffee and liquers, sneaking the entire family of five off to the toliets and doing a bunk through the frosted glass window. 

  

‘Hello, Is that Cornwall Police?’

‘Yes it is. How can I not help  you this evening’

‘Well, this is Rick Stein here. I’m afraid the entire restaurant of guests sneaked out without paying tonight’

‘I see Mr Stein. I just need to get some details from you. Now what is your location?’

‘Padstow’

‘your restaurant name?

‘The Seafood Restaurant’

‘thanks….now I have to ask you whether there were any signs of criminality?’

‘What do you mean ‘criminality’?’

‘Well, do you think there was any criminal intent on behalf of your customers?’

‘Of course there was, all 63 of them disappeared between 9 and 11pm….and not one paid for a freshly caught King Prawn never mind the Thai duck with orange’ 

‘I should point out Mr Stein our Police Force is stretched  beyond belief. Cornwall is rife with gang warlords and drug dealers. We don’t really have time to investigate cases where people may have just forgotten to pay for their meal’

‘What? ALL 63 of them?’

‘I’m sorry Mr Stein…..I’ll have to come back to after a word from our sponsors…….’

‘Sponsors…….?’

                   Yes, at least one Police Force is considering finding sponsors to refill the dwindling coffers. Chief Constable Olly Martins of Bedfordshire Police Force said he would not be against sponsors logos on police cars. He quoted one of the biggest employers in the area, EasyJet as being a potential suitor. I think this would be a marriage made in heaven. All police cars could change to luminous orange instead of green, police usually are always late and the call centres are unable to help you anway, especially if your diners have walked out without paying. 

                    We could have EasyArrest, where criminality minded diners who didn’t pay for their meal at Rick’s, are invited to turn up at their local police station and give themselves in. Those that do so would get airmiles………it just all so clicks together. The two bobbies left to patrol the crime stricken streets of Bedfordshire could have Easybikes, which fold up to go over rough terrain and their truncheons could be sponsored by WWF.  Police shoes sponsored by Doc Martens, Tasers sponsored by the South Eastern Electricity board. Surveillence could be carried out by EasyDrone , who would do a deal with Amazon to deliver parcels at the same time. The possibilities are endless……
               

            For us in Scotland winter brings its issues. Mainly potholes, poor Rural Broadband and Christmas parties. (sorry, i only introduced the Rural Broadband bit because i live ruralry and i have poor broadband ). However, in Sweden things are a bit more complicated. Stockholm has a mere 6 hours of daylight at winters hiatus. ‘The Local’, an online Swedish newspaper has come up with some ideas to help Swedes cope with the darkness.

                 Amongst the suggestions to help the Swedes through the dark days are the following:

Put Your Best Clothes On

The Local Team suggest Swedes will spend much of the winter bundled up in big jumpers and coats. So why not ‘layer up’ and put you’re favourite shirt, dress or pants underneath to cheer yourself up.

I thought I’d try it. So, I put my Calvin Klein boxers on with my Armani suit, shirt and tie underneath my Adisdias tracky bottoms, my Brazil 1970 World cup Shirt and a wool jumper my Mum bought me for Xmas 5 years ago. My immediate feeling was not good. Unable to actually walk properly I now knew how the Michelin Man must have suffered all those years. Having waddled to the livingroom worse was to come as the woodburner was at full pelt. Sweat was soon pouring from every orifice, and, even worse, having sat down, i couldn’t get back up again. I was going to perspire to death on my sofa. all because of a stupid idea from a Swedish website. I was saved by the arrival of my other half who, laughing, pulled me up and took me to cooler airts. Both now laughing hysterically (for what reason I do not know), I suddenly realised the Swedes might not be a bunch of turnips after all. It was dark and dismal outside but i was laughing. The added bonus, I lost 3 pounds πŸ™‚

to read the top 10 suggestions here’s the link 

http://www.thelocal.se/20151103/nine-ways-to-embrace-november-no-really

To finish off this edition of Dave’sWeek, I couldn’t not put these two youtube links up. The first one is so simple in it’s humour. Just a grandfather and grandson playing a simple game. With nearly a million views, they reckon this video may take this game to the top of the charts this Xmas. Made me laugh πŸ™‚

and lastly, every year John Lewis produce a Christmas advert for their stores. They’re usually up their with the best. This year is no exception and, if there’s not a tear in your eye by the end, you are George Osbourne πŸ™‚

  

So remember, get layered up and I hope you both have a great week  πŸ™‚

‘Dave’s Week – Ne pas parler franΓ§ais’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dodo Productions Β© 2015. You can follow me on Twitter at qosfc1919 or email me at davidlinden4@gmail.com  

                     

Clash Of The Tartans

It is finally here, the first part of my serial comic about Westminster versus the SNP. Stay tuned, I promise it gets better……not much better, but better. FT πŸ˜›

Source: Clash Of The Tartans

Frozen football and Flying Fish

Both of you who’ve followed the blog voted 57 millionth best in the world, and, a survey of top bloggers said ‘Never heard of it’, will know I support a football team called Queen of the South. I don’t remember my first game, but, am told my Uncle Keith took me to see them when i was six. I’m nowhere near as dedicated as some Queens fans in attending games, but I’ve followed them throughout my life and given many many hours of my own time to help them over the years.

Going to see them has brought joy, tears and even a trip to Denmark to watch them play in the UEFA Cup, something no Queens fan would EVER would have predicted would happen. I’ve been to most grounds to see them, as far north as Inverness and Peterhead, across to Northern Ireland to see them play Coleraine and as far south as Wales to see them play Chester.

Through the years I’ve had some funny, and some less funny episodes, following the South across hill and dale……….

QOS team 76/77 season

QOS team 76/77 season

One of my earliest memories was when i was a teenager. My friend Andy and I were standing on the Terregles St terracing. We were playing Arbroath, probably in the lowest division at the time. It was freeeeezing……foggy…….and I was beginning to question my sanity. I mean we’d actually paid money to stand like an ice lolly eating stodgy pies, that would come back to haunt us in our elderly years. The game was hopeless, I’d lost the feeling in my feet, hands and other essential extremities. It was not a good night for the fairweather supporter. Still, come the 90th minute Andy & I still stood there watching, waiting, anticipating. Something could still happen. At any second…..any moment….I turned to Andy…..

‘Well, at least we got a point……’

It was just then the blonde head of Ian Yule received the ball on the left wing (apologies to Queens fans with better memories but this is how i remember it πŸ™‚ ). The Arbroath player danced past at least three Queens players before hitting the back of the net. We kicked off, the final whistle went, game over, we’d lost 1-0.

Still frozen to the spot, Andy and I turned to each other and both said at the same time….

‘That’s it. We’ll no be back…..’ πŸ™‚

As with most football fans, by the next home game, hope had raised eternal. We were back on the terracing, praying we’d see a nine goal thriller of end to end football with Queens coming out on top.

A lot of the funny things that happen in football, happen away from the match itself. I went to Greenock once to see Queens play Morton in a First Division game. Our minibus set off from outside the New Bazaar pub on a dull but dry day to make the eighty or so mile journey northward.
We arrived at a nice pub and I ordered beer battered fish and chips (it was during my ‘healthy eating’ stage ). It duly arrived, served by a lovely lady shouting above the din ‘TWO FISH AND CHIPS’.
I acknowledged her, switching my pint of lager to my left hand and moved towards her. I accepted the plate in my right hand and turned…………
You know that trick where magicians pull the tablecloth leaving all the cutlery and decorations still on the table? Well, I did a variation on the theme. As I turned with the plate in my hand, the greasy fish and chips decided not to come with us. The plate and I were at Longitude 65.3 Latitude 132.4 and the Fish and chips were hanging in the air at Longitude 65.3 and a bit. Despite being well cooked, they seemed to be frozen in midair, before the Laws of Physics took over and the whole lot crashed to the floor.

My dinner avec soggy lettuce

My dinner avec soggy lettuce

I looked down at the fish and chips, they looked up at me. I looked at my empty plate, it looked the other way. At this point you would have expected my loyal Queens supporters to rally round and have oodles of sympathy for my greasy plight. Instead a loud cheer went up, followed by raucous laughter and singing. I stood, centre stage, with full on petted lip, still holding my lager and a now bloody annoying white plate (actually i think the compulsory bit of soggy lettuce that you always leave was still clinging on). I sat down with my pint and hoped someone else would have a calamity to take the attention away from me.

As the minutes past and everyone returned to talking about space time continuums and multiverses , there were a couple of ‘that’s a shame Dave’ comments generally followed by slight sniggering. It was then that my faith in humanity was restored. The woman who’d served me, returned asking ‘Where’s the boy who lost his chips?’. Every hand in the pub pointed towards me.

Morton QOS at Cappielow

Morton QOS at Cappielow

‘Here son….’

She laid a fresh plate of beer battered cod and chips with compulsory soggy lettuce leaf, in front of me. Another, but subtly different, loud cheer went up, followed by some clapping. I went to give her more money….

‘Free of charge son. Hope you enjoy it….’

I could have cuddled her. My faith in humanity restored, i waded in, happy in the knowledge, there were some nice people in the world.

The game against Morton? I can’t remember πŸ™‚

‘Football Magic’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dod Productions Β© 2015 follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919 and write to me at davidlinden4@gmail.com

Dave’s Week – The Pabebe Wave

Well, another week of news and events which stunned us all with it’s lunacy and weirdness. From democracy gone mad to strangers trying to sidle in with the Queen, it was another cracker.

The Queen and the Spy :-)

The Queen and the Spy πŸ™‚

There was another apparent ‘tense stand-off’ during the State visit of Chinese Premier Xi Jinping, after a Beijing based ‘spy’ allegedly tried to get into the Queens Royal carriage alongside her. Now, not only have I been brought up with the motto ‘Two’s company, three’s a crowd’ but why would a spy want to get in the carriage in the first place. I have some ideas……

To plant a bug on the Queen so the Chinese could sit in Beijing and belly laugh listening to bedtime conversations between Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh.
Protect Xi Jinping in case the Queen made a move on him
A Chinese plan to weasel information out of her as to who would win the 4:30 Handicap Chase at Kempton.

Apparently a heated exchange took place with the Queen trying to hit the spy over the head with one’s umbrella, until security guards pointed out she was hitting Xi Jinping. Rumours that Daniel Craig intervened with a karate chop to the neck to save Ma’am have been denied,

One other significant news item was the Lords voting down George Osborne’s Tax Credit Bill. I mean……the audacity….to democratically vote the way they thought was right and then be told they’d ‘voted wrong’. So Mad Dave and Dangerous George are ‘going to sort them out’. How dare they vote against a Government who need to save 20 billion a year from now until 2064 to prevent our descendants living like street urchins on scraps and rusty nails.

George’s cuts would see 3 million British people poorer by Β£1,300. All the Lords appeared to be saying was ‘HAVE YOU THOUGHT THIS OUT GEORGE?’

David and George

David and George

Now, I’m not a big fan of the Lords. Full of people who’ve been given a privileged place in society based on questionable criteria. However, they are there, and are a braking system for any wild ideas the Government of the time has (I wish they’d applied the brakes when Margaret Thatcher introduced the Poll Tax πŸ™‚ )

Given the public outcry around the cuts I think it would be wise of David Cameron and Mr Osborne to relent on chastising the Lords, stop behaving like spoiled oligrachs, and listen to people instead. πŸ™‚

‘Pabebe’ – yes, I’d never heard of it either. The Philippines has seen the emergence of the pabebe wave. Basically you raise your hand, cup it a little, smile and Pabebe away. With the right owner and distributor it can look cute, exuding warmth, trust and love, all in one little shake of a cupped hand. As you might expect, but, unlike my blog stories 😦 , Pabebe waves have gone a bit viral with tv stars, basketball players and even Gollum getting in on the act.

Pabebe Wave

Pabebe Wave

Apparently it started when two television presenters Pabebe’d on their show ‘Eat Bulaga’, which fortunately is not about eating Buluga whales, but is about doing Pabebe hand wave. Eat Bulaga, apparently translates as ‘lunchtime surprise’, and there have no doubt been some in its 36 year Filipino history. A quick check on Wikipedia gives us dramatic details of the shows history, incluing 2006, where there was a row between the shows producers and the resident dance group, ‘The SexBomb Girls’ which resulted in the SexBombers leaving the show. That’s probably why I stopped watching it. πŸ™‚

It made me think about Scottish handwaves. Despite being the friendliest nation on earth, we don’t do cute. Even our El Presidente, Nicola Sturgeon, doesn’t do cute and her wave is a bit rigid to be described as ‘cute’. Maybe she should try a bit of Pabebe to soften her image πŸ™‚

Basketball stars Pabebe wave

Basketball stars Pabebe wave

Scots salutes I came up with are the TwoBebe, which consists of two raised fingers, mainly used by Football fans up and down the country, and the OneBebe, which uses the middle finger thrust in the upward direction. The latter is consistently used in the direction of crap drivers who insist in being in the wrong lane at roundabouts. There’s a third ScotiPabebe wave which is too rude to mention in a PEGI 15 blog πŸ™‚

Gollum Pabebe wave

Gollum Pabebe wave


Anyway, try a bit of Pabebe this week and let me know how you get on. Send me a pic of you Pabebe’ing and I’ll post it next week on ‘Dave’s Week’ πŸ™‚

Nicola's not quite got the hang of Pabebe :-)

Nicola’s not quite got the hang of Pabebe πŸ™‚

Now……FIFA……..

The three people, nay two…… (one just unfollowed me πŸ™‚ ) , who follow me on Twitter, will know, like many others, how exasperated I get about Sepp Blatter and FIFA. The 79yr old leader of World Football’s famous organisation is either starting to get a bit dottery or he’s just not that bright. ‘Old Sepp’ has allegedly now stated that Russia were always going to get the 2018 World Cup before a vote was even cast. Oh what a Ratner moment that was.

He then went on to say that the USA were going to get the 2022 World Cup right up to the last minute when a Qatari prince walked in and sprinkled fairy notes all round the room.

Sepp's Pabebe wave

Sepp’s Pabebe wave

Now…….I always thought FIFA had two main objectives. To host a World Cup every four years and promote football throughout the world especially in poor regions. I think for years and years this probably was the case. I’m not sure when it started to go wrong (How long’s Sepp been in charge? πŸ™‚ ) but, in recent times, it’s went AWOL in a giant car crash type of way.

You see, for some people, trappings and wealth, get in the way of sensible thought and pabebe waving. Seven course champagne receptions, flying around the world to exotic locations, meeting princes instead of paupers. Given the choice of an all expenses trip to Qatar, five star hotel, more champagne, canapes and beautiful women, versus a trip to give football strips to some little kids in Ebola stricken Liberia, you can see how an organisations roots and aims can be ‘misplaced’.

“The FIFA code of ethics plainly prohibits such gifts. Football officials may not offer or accept gifts that have more than ‘symbolic or trivial value’ ”

Given the above, it was embarrassing that the Brazilian Football Federation gave 60 watches to FIFA officials at the 2010 World Cup as a ‘thank you’. What was even worse, they accepted them. There was an outcry, and they had to be told (presumably by Sepp in the Naughty Corner at FIFA headquarters πŸ™‚ ) to give them back.

Now, given Ronaldinho learnt his tricks barefoot on Copacabana beach, youngsters from the slums in Brazil might not need football boots and kit, but, buying Β£16,000 watches for FIFADOM officials doesn’t seem a great way to spend sponsors money.

Roll on 2015, and Sepp is denying any bribes took place during the process of awarding the next two world cups to two of the richest nations on earth. One, who had illegally snatched some major countryside from its neighbour and the the other, one of the hottest countries on Earth, where football players will melt in front of our eyes. Knowing our luck, the latter competition in Qatar, will be the one we gingers will qualify for πŸ™‚

Sepp and his silly sidekick Michel Platini, are now also embroiled in ‘Platini-gate’. Way back when Sepp was just a boy. circa early 2000’s, allegedly the bold Michel did ‘some work’ for Sepp as a ‘consultant’. Both Platini and Blatter obviously had the same memory lapse, as Michel was never paid for all his time and brilliant consulting…….until 11 years later, when the now UEFA President Platini was paid Β£1.3 million, just before Blatter was seeking re-election as FIFA’s president. Even better, allegedly this small payment to Michel didn’t warrant going through FiFA’s books!!

Michel Platini's pabebe wave

Michel Platini’s pabebe wave

Now, all these alleged anomalies are hidden behind rumours and smokescreens. Who knows what really goes on. Even forgetting about the other FIFA officials who are now being investigated, i think there’s enough information for us all to agree Blatter and Platini should give us all a Pabebe wave (hiding their watches) take their Armani suits and bugger off. Return football to it’s grass root officials, the supporters of Sunday Amateur teams right through to the the Champions League and beyond. Maybe then the little Liberian boys will get a chance to be the new Ronaldo, with FIFA’s raison d’etre backing them.

Until next time ( inserts ickle Pabebe wave here πŸ™‚ )

‘Dave’s Week – Do The Pabebe’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dodo Productions Β© 2015 Follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919 or email me davidlinden4@gmail.com

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