Dave’s Week -‘Ramon’ย 

           In a world that’s definitely lost the plot at the moment, I like to immerse myself in things that make me laugh, or go ”Woooh’. Going ‘Wooooh’ in a public place can raise a few eyebrows, especially my local library, but who cares, life’s too lacking in ‘Woooh’s’ ๐Ÿ™‚

           My first subject this week was the news that a Google driverless car was stopped in the USA for ‘going to slow’. Now, in America where even the speed limit for the Indianapolis 500 is 55mph, going too slow takes some doing. The policemans face when he sidled up to the car, tapped on the window, and said ‘Right, out of the car Sterling’ only to find a Google test driver asleep in the back (I exaggerate ๐Ÿ™ƒ ), must have been a picture. It reminded me of this……๐Ÿ˜‚

“Google’s 23 self-driving cars have been involved in 14 minor traffic accidents on public roads,but Google maintains that in all cases the vehicle itself was not at fault because the cars were either being manually driven or the driver of another vehicle was at fault” 
              So, Google would have us believe that ALL the accidents involving the ‘driverless’ car were either because there was a human driver (what’s the point of that Googsy Baby? ๐Ÿค” ) or another driver didn’t see a white bubble car with a large knob on the top coming hurtling along at 25mph! Yeah right ๐Ÿ™„

 

 
                  

                   Now, I’m not a scaredy cat, but would you get in a car where the ‘driver’ had had 14 accidents during their driving career, and had no memory of them whatsover. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ Even better, the latest version of the car comes with no brakes or steering wheel. Given how often my Android apps crash, the odds on me sitting in a robotic car with no brakes are shortening by the second. I mean, if you’re going to be spending the entire journey crapping yourself in the back seat, I can’t see many volunteers. Especially when, at 25mph, the trip to Glasgow up the M74 will take most of November. โ˜บ๏ธ

                    Google also stated the latest prototype had “not been tested in heavy rain or snow due to safety concerns”. 

                    Wait……news coming in that pre-orders sales in Scotland have just plummeted. ๐Ÿค”

  
                     

                  Apparently the cars rely on a combination of Google street view, google maps and sheer luck to get you home. The old Android computer cannot ‘obey temporary traffic lights’. It also has difficulty identifying when objects, such as trash and light debris, are harmless, causing the vehicle to veer unnecessarily. Additionally, the radar technology cannot spot potholes, nor discern when humans, such as a police officer, are signaling the car to stop.

 I can imagine a nice blue one happening by Celtic Park after a game as 50,000 Celtic fans spill on to the streets……..
                

 ‘Go go go ya stupid thing…….’ 

                 ‘I’m sorry. I did not understand that last command. This vehicle is currently either surrounded by humans, green and white potholes or a policeman’

                 Those of us who use Siri on the iphone, and fans of the comedy Burnistoun,  will already know the problems with American software trying to understand a Scots accent………….. ๐Ÿ˜‚.    

 I bet you’ve got the cheque book out already……

                 The notion of the British bumbling eccentric buffoon has been around for years. Many comedy films and tv series have placed a publicly educated stereotype in a starring role. Which neatly brings me to Boris Johnson…………this week the bungling eccentric MP, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (yes, that’s his real name ๐Ÿ™„ ) sparked outrage after mocking UK supporters of a trade boycott against Israel as ‘corduroy-jacketed, snaggletoothed, lefty academics’. This was just before he was due to spend five days touring Palestine. ๐Ÿค” Not surprisingly, it wasn’t long before the Palestinians were on the blower telling our master of diplomacy…… ‘not to bother coming’
 

Boris forgets his shorts ๐Ÿ™‚
 

              It wouldn’t be so bad but it’s only a month ago he did this while playing non contact rugby with some little Japanese kids….  

                         http://youtu.be/HuIfwY_jzz8

              ……..and here’s our intrepid Boris ‘promoting Britain’ on a zipwire โ˜บ๏ธ

                          http://youtu.be/oxDwxNcURTU

              ……… or the time he ‘helped’ volunteers clear a stream….. ๐Ÿค”

                          http://youtu.be/6H3ytL0lh0U

              I’m beginning to think the voters of Uxbridge are the same ones that vote to keep the two left footed dancer in Strictly………… โ˜บ๏ธ

              If you follow my Twitter account (stop laughing ๐Ÿ˜ก ) you’ll know one of my hashtags is #ScientistsHaveComeOan  – well, this week Scientists have come on tae warn of the issues of eating too many Skittles or Smarties……..

                

 

They’ve also come oan tae warn women who drink too much Prosecco of a night out can end up struggling to find the way home……..

  

and lastly, in the week that Michael Flately confirmed he puts paint on his feet, dances on a canvas and sells his pictures for hundreds of thousands of pounds….others are starting to get in on the act…..

  

I hope, with all the bad news, I’ve put a smile on your face. Keep laughing. It’s good for you ๐Ÿ˜„

Dave’s Week – ‘Ramon’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dodo Productions ยฉ 2015 You can follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919 or email me at davidlinden4@gmail.com ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜€

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Dave’s Week – Ne pas parler franรงais

Unless you’re Justin Bieber or one of those Billionaires Eamon Holmes and wotsername have been staning gawpy-eyed at on the telly over the last couple of weeks……..

‘Wow…….WOW……WOW!!’ 

Have some pride Eamon, it’s only a diamond encrusted 200 feet yacht ๐Ÿ™‚ 

………. the rest of us will spend the week doing mere mortal things such as ‘shopping at Tescos’, ‘planting Spring bulbs’and ‘watching documentaries about Eamon Holmes gawping at Billionaires’ ๐Ÿ˜Š

To fill in the gaps between the heady excitement of my life, I’ve been  sifting through all the bad news to hunt for quaint or funny stories for you on the net. If you look far enough there’s always a titter to be had somewhere.

My first port of call this week, was the Aston villa dressing room (yes, another football story ๐Ÿ™„ ). For some strange reason Villa have been struggling at the wrong end of the Premiership table for some time. i think it’s something to do with not scoring as many goals as the opposition, and, having a defence that should be called VillaLeaks. In an unusual twist for struggling Premiership teams, despite having done this several times before with no improvement, they decided to sack their manager, Tim Sherwood.

          Hail the new saviour, Remi Garde. The 49yr old Frenchman won the French equivalent of the FA Cup and the French SuperCup with Lyon. He might actually be quite good. ๐Ÿ™‚

So, Remi comes in to the Villa dressing room and discovers, horror upon horror, that a chunk of his squad are…….wait for it……..FRENCH! ‘Zut Alors Que’st que se?’ Another unbelievable surprise clever Remi found, was the French quarter were speaking………now……I hope you’re sitting down……..FRENCH! Yes, they were actually speaking French to each other, despite all coming from France. The bold Remi decided the rest of the squad could not understand a word they were saying. This was obviously the reason Villa were bottom of the league. I mean, you can imagine the mayhem out on the pitch……..

‘Johnee, Johnee…..le ballon…….a moi…..’

‘Eh?’

‘Passeett Johnee……passeet’

‘Eh?’

All this confusion, by which time, Watford have run up the pitch and scored. 

So, what does the bold Remi do?. He bans them from speaking French. 

  

How he told his French proteges the bad news is unknown. Perhaps he ran two closed fingers across his pursed french lips, motivating his players to ‘zipit.com’. However, apparently their english isn’t that hot, so….wind on to next weekend…..

‘Johnee………’

‘Eh?’

‘Joh…nee’

‘Eh? Dunno wot u want mate’

Biggo Improvemento ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway, it reminded me of an obvious solution to Remi’s problem…………

http://youtu.be/SXdrOgA7ATU

So who are Villa playing this Sunday……..Zut Alors…….it’s…..ehm………Manchester City.

News also emerged that swinging Austerity cuts are having a major effect on our Police Forces around the country. Devon and Cornwall Police Force have announced ‘they will no longer investigate restaurant diners who failed to pay for their meal, unless……wait for it…..there are signs of criminality’. Now. What are ‘signs of criminality’ ? Does this include wearing a mask and carrying a bag with SWAG written on it, or after munching a 3 course meal with wine, coffee and liquers, sneaking the entire family of five off to the toliets and doing a bunk through the frosted glass window. 

  

‘Hello, Is that Cornwall Police?’

‘Yes it is. How can I not help  you this evening’

‘Well, this is Rick Stein here. I’m afraid the entire restaurant of guests sneaked out without paying tonight’

‘I see Mr Stein. I just need to get some details from you. Now what is your location?’

‘Padstow’

‘your restaurant name?

‘The Seafood Restaurant’

‘thanks….now I have to ask you whether there were any signs of criminality?’

‘What do you mean ‘criminality’?’

‘Well, do you think there was any criminal intent on behalf of your customers?’

‘Of course there was, all 63 of them disappeared between 9 and 11pm….and not one paid for a freshly caught King Prawn never mind the Thai duck with orange’ 

‘I should point out Mr Stein our Police Force is stretched  beyond belief. Cornwall is rife with gang warlords and drug dealers. We don’t really have time to investigate cases where people may have just forgotten to pay for their meal’

‘What? ALL 63 of them?’

‘I’m sorry Mr Stein…..I’ll have to come back to after a word from our sponsors…….’

‘Sponsors…….?’

                   Yes, at least one Police Force is considering finding sponsors to refill the dwindling coffers. Chief Constable Olly Martins of Bedfordshire Police Force said he would not be against sponsors logos on police cars. He quoted one of the biggest employers in the area, EasyJet as being a potential suitor. I think this would be a marriage made in heaven. All police cars could change to luminous orange instead of green, police usually are always late and the call centres are unable to help you anway, especially if your diners have walked out without paying. 

                    We could have EasyArrest, where criminality minded diners who didn’t pay for their meal at Rick’s, are invited to turn up at their local police station and give themselves in. Those that do so would get airmiles………it just all so clicks together. The two bobbies left to patrol the crime stricken streets of Bedfordshire could have Easybikes, which fold up to go over rough terrain and their truncheons could be sponsored by WWF.  Police shoes sponsored by Doc Martens, Tasers sponsored by the South Eastern Electricity board. Surveillence could be carried out by EasyDrone , who would do a deal with Amazon to deliver parcels at the same time. The possibilities are endless……
               

            For us in Scotland winter brings its issues. Mainly potholes, poor Rural Broadband and Christmas parties. (sorry, i only introduced the Rural Broadband bit because i live ruralry and i have poor broadband ). However, in Sweden things are a bit more complicated. Stockholm has a mere 6 hours of daylight at winters hiatus. ‘The Local’, an online Swedish newspaper has come up with some ideas to help Swedes cope with the darkness.

                 Amongst the suggestions to help the Swedes through the dark days are the following:

Put Your Best Clothes On

The Local Team suggest Swedes will spend much of the winter bundled up in big jumpers and coats. So why not ‘layer up’ and put you’re favourite shirt, dress or pants underneath to cheer yourself up.

I thought I’d try it. So, I put my Calvin Klein boxers on with my Armani suit, shirt and tie underneath my Adisdias tracky bottoms, my Brazil 1970 World cup Shirt and a wool jumper my Mum bought me for Xmas 5 years ago. My immediate feeling was not good. Unable to actually walk properly I now knew how the Michelin Man must have suffered all those years. Having waddled to the livingroom worse was to come as the woodburner was at full pelt. Sweat was soon pouring from every orifice, and, even worse, having sat down, i couldn’t get back up again. I was going to perspire to death on my sofa. all because of a stupid idea from a Swedish website. I was saved by the arrival of my other half who, laughing, pulled me up and took me to cooler airts. Both now laughing hysterically (for what reason I do not know), I suddenly realised the Swedes might not be a bunch of turnips after all. It was dark and dismal outside but i was laughing. The added bonus, I lost 3 pounds ๐Ÿ™‚

to read the top 10 suggestions here’s the link 

http://www.thelocal.se/20151103/nine-ways-to-embrace-november-no-really

To finish off this edition of Dave’sWeek, I couldn’t not put these two youtube links up. The first one is so simple in it’s humour. Just a grandfather and grandson playing a simple game. With nearly a million views, they reckon this video may take this game to the top of the charts this Xmas. Made me laugh ๐Ÿ™‚

and lastly, every year John Lewis produce a Christmas advert for their stores. They’re usually up their with the best. This year is no exception and, if there’s not a tear in your eye by the end, you are George Osbourne ๐Ÿ™‚

  

So remember, get layered up and I hope you both have a great week  ๐Ÿ™‚

‘Dave’s Week – Ne pas parler franรงais’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dodo Productions ยฉ 2015. You can follow me on Twitter at qosfc1919 or email me at davidlinden4@gmail.com  

                     

Frozen football and Flying Fish

Both of you who’ve followed the blog voted 57 millionth best in the world, and, a survey of top bloggers said ‘Never heard of it’, will know I support a football team called Queen of the South. I don’t remember my first game, but, am told my Uncle Keith took me to see them when i was six. I’m nowhere near as dedicated as some Queens fans in attending games, but I’ve followed them throughout my life and given many many hours of my own time to help them over the years.

Going to see them has brought joy, tears and even a trip to Denmark to watch them play in the UEFA Cup, something no Queens fan would EVER would have predicted would happen. I’ve been to most grounds to see them, as far north as Inverness and Peterhead, across to Northern Ireland to see them play Coleraine and as far south as Wales to see them play Chester.

Through the years I’ve had some funny, and some less funny episodes, following the South across hill and dale……….

QOS team 76/77 season
QOS team 76/77 season

One of my earliest memories was when i was a teenager. My friend Andy and I were standing on the Terregles St terracing. We were playing Arbroath, probably in the lowest division at the time. It was freeeeezing……foggy…….and I was beginning to question my sanity. I mean we’d actually paid money to stand like an ice lolly eating stodgy pies, that would come back to haunt us in our elderly years. The game was hopeless, I’d lost the feeling in my feet, hands and other essential extremities. It was not a good night for the fairweather supporter. Still, come the 90th minute Andy & I still stood there watching, waiting, anticipating. Something could still happen. At any second…..any moment….I turned to Andy…..

‘Well, at least we got a point……’

It was just then the blonde head of Ian Yule received the ball on the left wing (apologies to Queens fans with better memories but this is how i remember it ๐Ÿ™‚ ). The Arbroath player danced past at least three Queens players before hitting the back of the net. We kicked off, the final whistle went, game over, we’d lost 1-0.

Still frozen to the spot, Andy and I turned to each other and both said at the same time….

‘That’s it. We’ll no be back…..’ ๐Ÿ™‚

As with most football fans, by the next home game, hope had raised eternal. We were back on the terracing, praying we’d see a nine goal thriller of end to end football with Queens coming out on top.

A lot of the funny things that happen in football, happen away from the match itself. I went to Greenock once to see Queens play Morton in a First Division game. Our minibus set off from outside the New Bazaar pub on a dull but dry day to make the eighty or so mile journey northward.
We arrived at a nice pub and I ordered beer battered fish and chips (it was during my ‘healthy eating’ stage ). It duly arrived, served by a lovely lady shouting above the din ‘TWO FISH AND CHIPS’.
I acknowledged her, switching my pint of lager to my left hand and moved towards her. I accepted the plate in my right hand and turned…………
You know that trick where magicians pull the tablecloth leaving all the cutlery and decorations still on the table? Well, I did a variation on the theme. As I turned with the plate in my hand, the greasy fish and chips decided not to come with us. The plate and I were at Longitude 65.3 Latitude 132.4 and the Fish and chips were hanging in the air at Longitude 65.3 and a bit. Despite being well cooked, they seemed to be frozen in midair, before the Laws of Physics took over and the whole lot crashed to the floor.

My dinner avec soggy lettuce
My dinner avec soggy lettuce

I looked down at the fish and chips, they looked up at me. I looked at my empty plate, it looked the other way. At this point you would have expected my loyal Queens supporters to rally round and have oodles of sympathy for my greasy plight. Instead a loud cheer went up, followed by raucous laughter and singing. I stood, centre stage, with full on petted lip, still holding my lager and a now bloody annoying white plate (actually i think the compulsory bit of soggy lettuce that you always leave was still clinging on). I sat down with my pint and hoped someone else would have a calamity to take the attention away from me.

As the minutes past and everyone returned to talking about space time continuums and multiverses , there were a couple of ‘that’s a shame Dave’ comments generally followed by slight sniggering. It was then that my faith in humanity was restored. The woman who’d served me, returned asking ‘Where’s the boy who lost his chips?’. Every hand in the pub pointed towards me.

Morton QOS at Cappielow
Morton QOS at Cappielow

‘Here son….’

She laid a fresh plate of beer battered cod and chips with compulsory soggy lettuce leaf, in front of me. Another, but subtly different, loud cheer went up, followed by some clapping. I went to give her more money….

‘Free of charge son. Hope you enjoy it….’

I could have cuddled her. My faith in humanity restored, i waded in, happy in the knowledge, there were some nice people in the world.

The game against Morton? I can’t remember ๐Ÿ™‚

‘Football Magic’ was brought to you by David Linden and Dod Productions ยฉ 2015 follow me on Twitter @qosfc1919 and write to me at davidlinden4@gmail.com