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Crane Intergalactic Hero – The Voyage Of Ineptitude – Episode 2 ‘Getting Ready’

May 25, 2014

Crane had already parked Bloorps revelations that he could speak, see camouflage tape and glow. He was now inside his first ship and had moved on to working out what was needed to get the thing out into space as soon as possible. His crew trudged behind, still muttering about Bloorp spoiling their fun by revealing the ships door. As Crane and his less than merry men turned the next corner, they were greeted with a jet of steam spraying from a hole in the wall and water dripping from the ceiling. Fifty metres on there was another steam leak.

Crane sighed, a brand new ship with leaking pipes and ceilings. between this and the crew, it was hardly the salubrious start Crane had been hoping for. He waved his hand over the sensor to open the lift door. Then stood and stood, waved again, stood some more. Did anything work on this thing?

As was becoming the norm, his crew simply stood behind him and sniggered. This time though, the last laugh would be on him. Part of his training to become a pilot included extensive troubleshooting training. Over the last 3yrs he’d been been through every conceivable training manual in the Mark V Illustrious rocket ship series. He knew every screw, every button, every circuit board, every everything. If there was one advantage Crane did have over the crew, it was ‘he knew his ship’ …

As he stood and waved over and over again, the chortling from his crew grew louder.

Security technology had moved on to using brain, DNA, and even Telemere scanners were common place. However, this one worked by opening when something was waved in front of it. Crane smiled. Unbeknownst to the crew, he had the latest Apple I-scan. After the Patent Wars of the last century, Google had eventually bought up every company on Earth. When they eventually bought the Peoples Republic of China and closed down competitors suppliers, it forced a radical underground movement to emerge. Consisting mainly of ex Apple designers and geeks, they secretly continued to design and produce practical, technical objects of beauty.

A transparent wisp of nothingness, Crane slipped the I-Scan from his pocket and pointed it at the the door scanner. In 2 seconds the I-scan would tell him what was wrong and he’d fix it in a jiffy. Crane waited, 2 seconds, 3……. Fifteen seconds……..not a peep.

Crane was getting just a bit fullimicated at all this.

‘Try changing the settings on your scanner’ came a familiar voice from behind. The crew parted to let Bloorp through.

‘Sorry, what did you say Bloorp?’

‘If you change your settings to the Mark I VirginGalactic ship settings it will work’

‘But that’s an ancient ship version from years ago………this is the Mark V Illustrious model’ spluttered Crane.

‘I can assure you Mr Crane, my scanners tell me the ship has been made to look like the Mark V Illustrious model but most of the inside is definitely from an earlier design’

‘ it it can’t be…….they wouldn’t do that to me……surely not’

‘Sir, while I was under interrogation by your scientists, I studied many things and my data tells me that there have been nineteen Mark V Illustrious ships built……….and the number of your ship is………..’

‘Twenty…………. ‘

Crane sank to the floor. The Crew from Hell, a motley drabble of Vorisians and a ship made from something that would be appearing on the next episode of Antiques Roadshow. It also dawned on him he’d spent 3 years studying manuals every night for a different bloody ship, What had he done to deserve this. This was definitely the last straw. He’d go home to Shropshire, open a cafe and bake scones.

‘Mr Crane, I believe my friends and I can help’

Crane looked up.

‘how can you help me Bloorp? A minute ago you couldn’t even speak and now your telling me you can save me from this miserable mess.’

‘Yes Sir, let me introduce Alien Xarth”

Above the crews head a silver disc appeared. It shimmered, shimmied and just generally spun its way towards the now prostrate Crane. For the first time in a while Crane’s crew were silent as the luminous disc passed over them towards the lift door and their defeated Captain.

‘So, Bloorp, you’re telling me another one of your Vorisian mystery gang can dig us out of one of the worst cock-ups and one of the worst episodes of my short and miserable life. Ok silver disc of genius…show me how on earth a lump of metal can rescue us from this slide into the abyss’

………..Crane found himself sat in the pilots seat on the bridge staring at the control panel.

‘How did your Xarth thing do that?……….I mean one minute we’re struggling to open a lift door, next minute a glowing disc of nonsense appears, then, we’re here, on the bridge. It’s impossible’

‘Alien Xarth scanned your blueprint, processed it and simply reproduced it in another place. he is now working on upgrading your engines, as well as refilling the sandwiches in the three vending machines on floor 2’

Crane scanned the the bridge. It wasn’t quite the salubrious palace he’d envisaged. Instead of a modern brain controlled control system, he was staring at a joystick. Instead of a 3D mapper which showed the space around the ship in front of him with planets, asteroids, other ships, all in a 3 dimensional image, the bridge actually had a window. Someone at the Space Academy had well and truly stitched him up. In this heap of junk, he had no chance of catching the other 19 ships and probably little chance of actually surviving the expedition. Baking scones in Shropshire whilst watching Earths Got Talent still looked like the better option.

‘Tell me Bloorp, how come our scientists tested you for 5 years and came to the conclusion, you and your little friends couldn’t speak, were as thick as bricks and had no visible useful skills whatsoever?’

‘We wanted to learn as much about your human species as possible, so, when your scientists got bored with us, they left us in a room with access to GoogleNet © We spent the time learning how make pasta, repair doors, speak French, the entire history of your Earth, which incidently, made us laugh so much, and, most usefully, how to upgrade a Mark 1 Illustrious ship into a Mk V version…………..oh, and, if we had shown them what we could do, they would have kept us here, prodded and poked us some more, and we would never have had the chance to return to our home on Voris…….’

‘But……Bloorp…..we’re not going to Voris, my mission is to meet up with the other ships, search the Trread galaxy for new life……oh and Xerium…….ore, precious gems, loads of gold etcetera, etcetera, blah de blah’

‘Mr Crane, we will help you with your mission, once we have achieved this, you will take us back to Voris’

Crane laughed. In this old rustbucket they’d be lucky if they managed to get out of the solar system, never mind, reach Trread, discover some weird things, then provide a taxi service for Bloorp and his friends.

‘I have a message from Alien Xarth, Mr Crane, he has completed the upgrade of your ships engines and he’s refilled the sandwich vending machines on floor 2. He is now making lemon jelly and ice cream for Exar, RedUrzuBird and your crew’

‘Impossible, how could he have possibly improved the engines in such a short time, with no equipment, no Xerium, no help, no beer, no nothing’

‘Mr Crane, first of all, Alien Xarth is not a he. She…….is able to transform matter into different elements and make lemon jelly with ice cream’

‘Bloorp, you look strange, you act strange and your silver disc friend is even more bonkers than you are. No one can turn an old solid state hydrogen engine into a fully fledged modern Xerium system in the space of 23 minutes, never mind fill a vending machine with sandwiches and make lemon jelly……’

‘…….and ice cream, Mr Crane, don’t forget the ice cream…….’

Just then the lift door opened and some of Cranes crew lurched onto the bridge munching sandwiches.

‘Where have you lot been, and, I told you before, no eating on the bridge!’

‘But these are the best sandwiches ever Captain Crane, and, as for the lemon jelly and ice cream, it was pucker beyond belief!……….that Alien Xarth, he’s amazing’

‘Look, first of all, Alien Xarth is not a he, she’s a she and we have less than 48hrs to attempt to get this bucket of bolts ready to kill us all…………oh sorry, I mean, catch up with the other ships, find some new aliens, fill the hold with gonga, drop Bloorp off and come home’

‘Another message from Alien Xarth, Mr Crane, she is now upgrading the hull, installing an anti matter force field, and producing a Vorisian Stew for Exar and RedUrzuBird’

‘ what can’t she do?’ stuttered Crane, who was now beginning to think they were either the best liars he’d ever met or his salvation.

‘She can’t play soccer Mr Crane, she’s very bad at soccer…….’

For the first time this day Crane laughed. He’d come to the conclusion that nothing else could go wrong, well, not for at least five minutes anyway………..☺️

Bloorp stood staring out of the window. The blue skies of Earth were very beautiful and the fluffy white clouds made his magniviewer* © 😊 cloud up. Despite this, returning to Voris would be special. He was lonely without his friends and family. Landing on his home planet would be a special day for both him and the others. As he turned away from the window, he stopped suddenly. Bloorp futuresensor* © 😏 was rippling his magniviewer. Something was not right. Bloorp couldn’t quite make it out but he could see a dark object, fire and debris. It was far away but whatever it was, it was not good. Maybe this journey would not be as much fun as he had originally thought……..
Magniviewer © Bloorp’s magniviewer enable him to show information, pictures and events within a pool of Selum, an energy liquid, which made up his ‘head’.
Futuresensor © Unbeknown to Crane, within the magniviewer, Bloorp could show future events and things that were happening within a distance of 3 light years.

Crane Intergalactic Hero – The Voyage of Ineptitude – Episode 2 ‘Getting Ready’ was brought to you by @qosfc1919 and Dodo Productions 2014 ©

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